How many times a day does a person exchange simple pleasantries with someone they see? “How are you?”, “How are things?”, “What’s going on?” The greetings are endless, and when you have one or more chronic illness, they are more weighted than people realize.
Our responses will often be “I’m fine”, or “Good”, because it’s easier than explaining the truth. To be completely honest, we know people really don’t want to hear the truth. They ask to be polite, not to actually inquire about our well-being. I’m not saying this to say anything against the people asking, we all do this. It’s part of our culture to ask someone how they are, and sometimes we’re only half-listening to the answer.
Those of us who are chronically ill (and plenty of other people too. This isn’t something only chronically ill people do) become liars in a sense, because it’s easier than telling the truth. It’s easier for us, and it’s easier for you.
Why are we lying? Why not tell the truth? The answer isn’t so simple.
1. We Know You Don’t Want to Hear It
When someone is asking “how are you” as a greeting, they aren’t looking for a lengthy response, and definitely don’t want to hear a negative one. They’re asking to be nice, because it’s what you do, because it would be impolite not to.
They don’t want to hear an earful of your health woes, so we just answer with a simple positive, or at least neutral, response. It’s the safe response, and it’s one that won’t be questioned.
2. We’re Afraid to be Vulnerable
Some people don’t want to put themselves out there and feel exposed. It makes them feel naked, vulnerable.
The thought alone gives them more anxiety, and answering with the truth would be more than they’re comfortable with sharing. For that reason, and maybe others as well, they keep the truth about how they really feel to themselves.
3. We Don’t Want to Overwhelm You
I’m overwhelmed by how I feel and by all of my symptoms, so don’t lie to me and tell me you wouldn’t be if I laid it all on you too. I’m not blaming you for feeling that way, I’m just a realist. I know it’s a lot, and that’s okay– it’s a lot for me too.
We share what we feel comfortable with, and that may alter based on who we’re talking to, but most of us don’t share much. I’m a chronic over-sharer, and even I don’t share a lot about how I really feel with most people. That’s changed a bit since I started the blog, but most of my family and friends don’t follow or read this anyway.
4. We Don’t Want to be a Burden
Being a burden is something we can’t help but feel sometimes. The inability for some of us to do what the average person does (whether it’s cooking, cleaning, working, etc), makes us feel like we have to rely on others a lot. In response, we may worry more and feel guilty, like a burden. Telling you how bad we really feel would just add onto this burden.
5. We’re Ashamed
Some of the reason we might lie about how we really feel is because we’re ashamed of the truth. We’re afraid it makes it look weak, and not like the warriors we really are for dealing with numerous symptoms and diagnoses every single moment of every single day.
It embarrassing feeling sick all the time. It’s embarrassing to be unable to fulfill the duties needed to be an adult. It’s embarrassing to be as sick as we are. The shame we feel stops us from telling you how it really is, and how we really feel.
6. We’re Hiding from the Truth
Maybe, just maybe, if you lie enough it’ll make the thing you’re lying about true. Maybe if we pretend we’re better than we are, it will make it so.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way, but that may be part of the thought process when we’re lying in order to hide from the truth: that we’re not okay.
7. We Don’t Want to Get Into It
Some days, it’s just too much to face. “I’m fine” is a response that won’t be questioned, and that’s exactly what we want sometimes.
It’s not necessarily that we’re denying how sick we are, it’s just that getting into details is more than we can bear some days. A neutral response will stop the conversation and let us move onto things that are not small talk, which is always preferable.
It’s just easier to tell the simple lie than tell everyone the truth of the matter: We’re not okay. We’re struggling. We’re sinking. Some days are better than others, and we never know how we’re going to feel. But we’re doing our best.
